 |
|
| Great show. Where else are you gonna find stories about
yellow, animated people going through the trials and tribulations of
everyday life.
Here is a collection of some of the greatest quotes from the show. Just try not to laugh! |
Cleetus: Are you some kind of moron?
Homer: Yeah, but...
Marge: Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table!
Homer: You said the breakfast table.
Marge: It's the same table!
Bart: Hey Dad, can I borrow the gun tommorrow? I want to scare that old security guard at the bank.
Homer: Only if you clean your room.
Apu: Oh, that is not nearly enough time to learn over 200
years of American history.
Homer: Oh, it can't be that many.
Homer: You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning.
Apu: Today, I am no longer an Indian living in America. I am an Indian-American.
Lisa: You know, in a way, all Americans are immigrants. Except, of course Native Americans.
Homer: Yeah, Native Americans like us.
Lisa: No, I mean American Indians.
Apu: Like me.
Lisa: No! I mean...
Homer: Oh, and how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn
something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making
course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
Homer: How many S's in innocent?
Ralph: Principal Skinner, I got carsick in your office.
Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires!
Ned: Homer, I'm having second thoughts. This feels so disloyal to Maude.
Homer: Oh, wake up, Ned. You think Maude isn't dating in Heaven?
Ned: You think she would?
Homer: How could she not? The place is full of eligible bachelors. John Wayne, Tupac Shakur,
Sherlock Holmes ...
Ned: [chuckles] Sherlock Holmes is a character.
Homer: He sure is! [wolfish growl]
Marge: Homie, I have a man here who can help you.
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientest.
Marge: IT'S NOT BATMAN!
Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend, how can I help you? Marge: Oh, look! This is the perfect chance to get you kids some nice church shoes! |
 |
Grandpa Simpson: You never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could ever shoot down a German
plane, but last year I proved myself wrong.
Homer: Marge, I've been thinking. What if instead of donating one of my old worn out kidneys; I give
Grampa that artificial kidney I invented?
Marge: Oh, Homer, that was just a beer can with a whistle glued to it.
Homer: "Hello is this President Clinton? Good. I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang, it'd
be you."
Bart: "I wash myself with a rag on a stick."
Homer: "Young man, since you broke Grampa's teeth, he gets to break yours."
Grandpa: "Oh, this is going to be sweet."
Grandpa: "...and I learned I can make money selling my medication to deadheads."
Mr Burns: "I want to be loved"
Homer: "Ok, I'll need some beer"
Homer: "Mmmmmm ... maca-ma-damia nuts ..."
Homer: "All right brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But let's just get me through this,
and I can get back to killing you with beer. "
Brain: "It's a deal! "
Burns: "We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both
want a fair union contract. "
Homer's Brain: "Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
"
Burns: "And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
"
Brain: "Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me? "
Burns: "I mean, if I should slip something into your
pocket, what's the harm? "
Brain: "My God! He is coming onto me!
"
Burns: "After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. [wink]
"
Brain: "Aaaaaagh! "
Homer: "Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these
backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious,
but the
answer is no! "
Skinner: "I'll tell you something that's not so
funny. Right now, Superintendant Chalmers is at home crying like
a little girl."
[all the
students laugh]
Skinner: [chuckles] "I guess it is a little
funny."
Homer: "We'll search out every place a sick, twisted,
solitary misfit might run to. "
Lisa: "I'll start with Radio Shack."
Bart: "Do you wear boxers or briefs? "
Homer: "Nope. "
D'Arcy: "I was in the audio-visual club. "
Homer: "Really? Me too! But I got kicked out 'cause of
my views of Vietnam. . . also, I was stealing projectors. "
| Billy Corgan (introducing
himself): "Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins. " Homer: "Homer Simpson. Smiling politely. " Moe: "Say, Barn, uh, remember when I said I'd
have to
send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab? " |
 |
Agent: "Ever hear of... Planet of the Apes? "
Troy McClure: "Uh... the movie or the planet? "
Lisa: "Dad what's a Muppet?"
Homer: "Well, it's not quite a mop, and its not quite a
puppet, but man (laughing)... So to answer your question I don't
know.
"
Homer: Lisa honey, are you saying that you are never
going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Porkchops?
Lisa: Dad those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Yah right Lisa. A wonderful magical
animal.
Homer: Nobody make me any breakfast. A man so
deeply in debt doesn't deserve it.
Marge: But I like to make you breakfast!
Homer: Oh, in that case I'll just have French toast with
double butter and a side of bacon...but no powdered sugar, I
don't deserve it! Well, maybe a little powdered sugar.
Homer: Oh, wow! ... comedy legend Mel Brooks! I love that movie "Young Frankenstein"...scared the hell out of me!
Homer: "Stupid driving test at the stupid DMV where
stupid Patty and stupid Selma work! Sometimes I think God is
teasing me...just like he teased Moses in the desert. "
Marge: "Tested, Homer! God tested
Moses. And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on
me to have you fighting all the time. "
Homer: "Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I
will hug some snakes...yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some
poisonous snakes. Now that's sarcasm! "
Lisa: "Well, maybe you could reach out to the community
and help other people."
Homer: "Hmm...I could help others. I'll get
a bunch of monkeys, dress them up, and make them reenact the civil war.
"
Lisa: "Dad, that doesn't help people! "
Homer: "Couldn't hurt...unless the monkeys start hurting
people. Which they almost certainly would."
Homer: "When I started this clown thing, I thought it would be nothing but glory. You know, the glory of being a clown. I tell you, it's hard, tiring work. But when I see the smiles on their little faces, I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something. "
Marge: "You certainly are popular now that you're a
Stonecutter. "
Homer: "Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein
hoists, A.A. meetings, beer nights... "
Homer gets his arm stuck in a soda machine.
Rescue Worker: "Homer, this...this is never easy to say,
uh, I'm going to have to saw your arms off. "
Homer: (worried) "They'll grow back, right? "
Rescue Worker: "Uhhhh...yeah. "
Homer: (sigh of relief)
Rescue Worker: (starts the chain saw and prepares to saw
of Homers arms)
Homer's Coworker: "Homer, are you still holding onto the
can? "
Homer: "Your point being?"
Lisa: "Remember, 'Tis better to remain silent and be
thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.'"
Homer's Brain: "What does that mean? Better say something
or they'll think you're stupid."
Homer: "Takes one to know one! "
Homer's Brain: "Swish!"
Homer: (as Mr. Burns' secretary) "Here are your
messages:
You have 30 minutes to move your car.
You have 10 minutes.
Your car has been impounded.
Your car has been crushed into a cube.
You have 30 minutes to move your cube. "
(phone rings)
Homer: "Y'ello, Mr. Burns' office. "
Mr. Burns: "Is it about my cube? "
Doctor Hibbert: "Now a little death anxiety is normal.
You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial...
"
Homer: "No way, because I'm not dying. "
Doctor Hibbert: "...second is anger. "
Homer: (enraged) "Why you little!"
Doctor Hibbert: "After that comes fear. "
Homer: (worried) "What's after fear? What's after
fear?"
Doctor Hibbert:" Bargaining. "
Homer: "Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it
worth your while."
Doctor Hibbert: "Finally acceptance. "
Homer: "Well, we all gotta go sometime. "
Doctor Hibbert: "Mr. Simpson your progress astounds
me."
Lisa: "Have you ever considered artificial
insemination? "
Homer: [laughs]" I don't know. You gotta be pretty lame
to make it with a robot. "
Bart: "Oh great. Dad's dead."
Faith: "These are special VIP badges. They'll get
you into places other tourists never see. "
Homer: "Miss, what does the `I' stand for? "
Faith:"Important."
Homer: "Ooh. How about the `V'? "
Faith: "Very. "
Homer: "Oh. And Miss, just one more question."
Faith: "Person. "
Homer: "Ah... What does the `I' stand for again? "
Homer: "Wow a real shoe horn, just like in the movies. Shoe goes on. Shoe goes off. Shoe goes on. Shoe goes off. "
Principal Skinner: "For a school with no Asian kids I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair! "
Homer: "Oh my God, Marge. A penalty shot with only four seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise; the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore! "
Homer: "Trying is the first step towards failure. "
Lisa: "Dad, don't you think...."
Homer: "Ah, ah, ah Lisa. Daddy doesn't have to
think. That's why we elect politicians. Remember that
rainforest thing a few years back? They took care of that alright.
"
Lisa: "Dad, you don't honestly think that... "
Homer: "Oh...there's that word again.
Homer (Upon seeing someone feed through an IV):
And all this time I've been using my mouth like a schmuck.
Lisa: [Bart] has the demented melancholy of a
Tennessee Williams heroine! "
Homer: "Don't you think I know that! "
Homer: "You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [long pause then gleefully] The doctor thought I might have brain damage. "
Marge: "Do you want your son to become become Chief
Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? "
Homer: "Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
"
Homer: "Wow. I'll take that ring. "
Clerk: "Yes, sir, and how will you be paying for
it?"
Homer (worried): "I don't know. "
Homer: "Marge, there's something I want to ask you. But I'm afraid, because if you say no, it'll destroy me and make me a criminal. "
Marge: "I can't imagine that job of yours is very
stimulating. "
Homer: "But it gives me time to think. "
Marge: "Oh. What do you think about? "
Homer: "Oh, girls. I MEAN BOYS! I, I MEAN YOU!
"
Homer: "Do you really think you're pregnant? "
Marge: "Well, I have the same nausea and craving for
pancake mix I had with the other kids. "
Homer: "Yeah, and I have the same tightness in my chest
and profuse sweating I always did. "
Marge: "Homer, I've been thinking, if the baby's a boy,
what do you think of the name Larry? "
Homer: "Marge, we can't do that! All the kids will
call him `Larry Fairy'. "
Marge: "Well, how about Louie? "
Homer: "They'll call him `Screwy Louie'. "
Marge: "Bob? "
Homer: "Slob. "
Marge: "Luke? "
Homer: "Puke."
Marge: "Marcus? "
Homer: "Mucus."
Marge: "What about Bart? "
Homer: "Let's see... Bart, Cart, Dart,
Ee-art... Nope, can't see any problem with that! "
| Man: "You must be
stupider than you look. " Homer: "Stupider like a fox! " Milhouse: "So this is what it feels like...when doves cry. "
|
 |
Homer: "Now, Marge, you can't blame all of Bart's problems on your one little speech. If anything turned him bad, it's that time you let him wear a bathing suit instead of underwear. Aaaaand let's not forget your little speech! "
Ned: "I called the police captain....He says he hasn't seen our kids, but if they show up in the morgue, he'll fax us. "
Bart: "OK, here's how it goes: I'm the leader, Milhouse is my loyal sidekick, Nelson's the tough guy, Martin's the smart guy, and Todd's the quiet religious guy who ends up going crazy. "
Bart: "Milhouse, you and me will be Omega Team.
Todd, you and Data are Team Strike Force. Nelson, that leaves you
and Martin. "
Martin:" Team Discovery Channel! "
Bart: "Remember, if you get lost, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun."
Edna: "Class, please! If you don't learn roman numerals, you'll never know the date certain motion pictures were copyrighted. "
Marge: "Whatever happened to good old-fashioned town
pride? "
Lisa: "It's been going downhill ever since the lake caught
fire. "
Bart: "Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How
do you feel? "
Homer: [reverently] "Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St.
Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan. "
Ned: "Wait! Homer, what did you just say?"
Homer: "I said shut your ugly face, Flanders! "
Ned: "Oh, fair enough. "
Bart:" I never heard Maggie laugh like that before.
"
Lisa: "Well, when was the last time Dad gave her that kind
of attention? "
Bart: "When she swallowed that quarter, he spent all day
with her. "
Homer (to child-custody judge): "Well, wait a
minute! OK, I'm not going to win Father of the Year. In
fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world who should have
kids. I -- "
[the judge looks at him sternly]
Homer: " Er, well, er, wait...can I start again? Fathering children
is the best part of my day. I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa!
"
Judge: "And Margaret? "
Homer: "Who? Lady, you got the wrong file. "
Marge: [whispers to Homer] "It's Maggie! "
Homer (apathetic): "Oh, Maggie. I got nothing
against Maggie. "
Judge: "I can see you sincerely want your children
back, but
you have a lot to learn about being parents. Before I can return
your
children, you'll have to complete a course called Family Skills.
It
teaches parents to listen to their -- "
Homer: "Communication, gotcha. "
Judge: "But it's important to --"
Homer: "Listen, yes, I know. "
Judge: "But there's more to it than --"
Homer: "I have listening skills! "
Judge: "Mr. Simpson, would you please -- "
Homer: "Shut up, Judge! "
Instructor: "I'm very proud of you people. You've
learned how to care for your children, you've learned how to maintain
your homes, and you've all passed a drug test. Except for Marge
-- Marge, you tested positive for Crack and PCP. "
Marge: "Oh my! "
[Fifteen minutes later]
Instructor: "OK, the retest says you're clean. Sorry
about the mistake. "
Marge: "Can you see them? "
Homer: "I can see Lisa...but it might be a starfish!
"
Ned Flanders: "Well, I guess a little television won't hurt. I used to let the boys watch "My Three Sons" but it got them all worked up before bedtime. "
Homer: "Come on, honey! You work yourself stupid for this family. If anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it's you. "
Marge: "Bart, it's class photo day. No dracula
fangs! "
Bart:"But they told us to wear them. "
Marge: "No they didn't! "
Homer: "Well beer, we've had some great times...
"
[singing to "It was a
Very Good Year"]
"When I was 17,
I drank some very good
beer.
I drank some very good
beer
I purchased with a fake
ID
My name was Brian
McGee
I stayed up listening to
Queen
When I was 17. "
Marge: "Have you noticed any change in Bart? "
Homer: "New glasses? "
Marge: "No...he looks like something might be disturbing
him."
Homer: "Probably misses his old glasses. "
Marge: "I guess we could get more involved in Bart's
activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him. "
Homer: "Yeah, and then we'd get the chair. "
Marge: "That's not what I meant. "
Homer: "It was, Marge... admit it."
Homer: "Heh, heh. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and eskimos."
Homer (annoyed): "You and your stories. 'Bart is a vampire' 'Beer kills brain cells.' Now let's go back to that (pause) building (pause) thingy, where our beds and TV (pause)... is. "
Lisa: "Women don't like to be shot at, Dad. "
Homer: "Women will like what I tell them to like. "
Marge: "When a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter
that a
crocodiles bit off his face. "
Homer: "I may hold you to that, Marge."
Ned: "Sorry to bother you, Rev. Lovejoy,
but I'm
kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his
'damn
vegetables.'
Rev.L: "Well, you know kids and vegetables. What
was it? Asparagus?"
Ned: "No, no, Reverend, the point is, he said
a bad word! "
Rev.L: "Oh, oh, right, yeah.Well, kids usually pick these
things stuff up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and...
direct them to the Bible. "
Ned: "Where in the Bible? "
Rev.L: "Uh... Page 900."
Homer: "Don't you know the story of Hercules and the
lion? "
Bart: "Is it a Bible story?"
Homer: "Yeah, probably. "
Homer: "Marge, you're my wife, I love you very much, but you're living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats. "
Homer: "Marge, would you love me more if I were President? 'Cause I'll do it if it'll make you happy. "
The Curse of the Monkey's Paw
Homer: "I'll make a wish that can't backfire. I wish
for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, AND
I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey
myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises. You got it?
"
[a turkey sandwich materializes and Homer takes a bite]
Homer: "Hey! Not bad... Nice, hot mustard...
Good bread... The turkey's a little dry... THE TURKEY'S A LITTLE DRY!
Oh, foe, the cursed teeth! What demon from the depths of hell created
thee! "
Marge: "Have you been drinking? "
Homer:" No!" [long pause] "Well, ten beers.
"
| Homer: "I saw this in a
movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping
its speed over fifty. And if its speed dropped,
the bus would explode! I think it was called... 'The Bus That Couldn't
Slow Down.' "
Bart: "Is there a doggy hell? " |
 |
Bart: "These uniforms suck!"
Marge: "Where do you pick up words like that?
"
Homer (on the phone): "Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck
last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before,
but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
"
Bart: "I don't want a new dog, I want Santa's Little
Helper!"
Homer: "Well, crying isn't going to bring him back unless
your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying
eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell like dog food
to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find your
dog!"
Bart: "Your right. I'll do it! (leaves)"
Homer: "Rats!! I almost had him eating dog food!"
Homer'sBrain: "You gotta use reverse psychology!
"
Homer: "Well, that sounds too complicated."
Brain: "Okay, don't use reverse psychology. "
Homer: "All right, I will! "
Marge: "I'm worried about Bart. Today, he's sucking people's blood, tommorrow he might be smoking."
Homer: "Why do you mock me, O Lord? "
Marge: "Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle
that Bart tossed up there. "
[Marge scrapes it off into Homer's
hands]
Homer: "I know I shouldn't eat thee, but --" [bites] "Mmm,
sacrili-cious."
Homer: [on the phone] "Bart, I need some
lucky numbers, fast!
How old are you? Uh huh. And what's your birthday? No
kidding.
And what's Lisa's birthday? ... What?
You don't know your
sister's birthday?? What kind of brother are you!
"
Bart:"Dad...we've been robbed! "
Lisa: "Wake up, Dad, wake up! There was a burglar
and he took my saxophone! "
Homer: "Woo-hoo! "
Bart: "And our portable TV! "
Homer: "D'oh! "
Marge: "And my necklace!"
Homer: "Ehh, that's no big loss."
Marge:" Homer, that necklace was a priceless Bouvier
family heirloom."
Homer: "Oh, you've probably got a whole drawer full of
'em. "
Marge: "Well, yes I do. But they're all heirlooms
too."
Lisa: "We are insured, aren't we,
Mom?"
Marge: "Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent
you to town to get some insurance. "
Homer: "Curse you, magic beans! "
Marge: "Oh, stop blaming the beans. "
Homer: "...Now we need code names. I'll be Cue-Ball,
Skinner can be Eight-Ball, Barney will be Twelve-Ball, and Moe, you can
be Cue-Ball. "
Moe: "You're an idiot. "
Lisa: "Dad, don't you see you're abusing your power
like all
vigilantes? I mean, if you're the police, who will police the police?
"
Homer: "I dunno. Coast Guard?"
Marge: "Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the Cat
Burglar? "
Lisa: "And I still don't have my saxophone. "
Homer: "Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone
back. But we've also expanded into other important areas. [reads
a list] Literacy programs, preserving our beloved
covered bridges, world domination -- "
Lisa: "World domination? "
Homer: "Oh ho, heh, that might be a typo. Mental note:
the girl knows too much. "
Homer: "Hey, you! Where did you get that
saxophone? "
Student (hesitates): "Sears."
Homer: "Get him! "
Kent: "Well it looks like we have our first
caller...and I
mean ever, because this is not a call-in show. Hello, you're on
the air. "
Man: "Hello, Kent. Hello, Homer -- my arch-nemesis.
"
Homer: "Y'ello. "
Man: "You do realize who this is?"
Homer: "Uh...Marge? "
Man: "No, Homer, I'm not your wife. Although, I do
enjoy her pearls. As a matter of fact, I'm holding them right now.
"
Homer: "Why you monster. And you have my daughter's
saxophone too!" [He strangles someone off camera]
Kent: "Homer! That's our stage manager. "
Homer: "Oh...heh, sorry. I'm a little nervous.
"
Homer (reading headlines): "'Asleep at the
switch'? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk! "
Bart:" I believe you, Dad."
Grandpa Simpson:" ...I'm filled with piss and vinegar. At first I was just filled with vinegar."
Homer: [depressed] "Saxamophoooooone. "
Malloy: "Abe, can I borrow your ointment?"
Grandpa:" ...All right . But this time, clean off the
applicator! "
Homer: "Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball,
first name Ura. "
Moe: "Ura Snotball? "
Homer: "What? How dare you? If I find out who
this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran. "
Homer: "I guess watching me isn't any more exciting than being me."
At the DMV
Patty: "Some days, we don't let the line move at all.
"
Selma: "We call those weekdays. " [they both laugh]
Homer's Brain: "Oh, glory of glories. Oh heavenly
testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation. "
Homer: "Holy macaroni! "
Bart: "Dad! You've shot Zombie Flanders! "
Homer (surprised): "He was a zombie? "
Marge: "Bart! What happened? "
Bart: "Well...we hit a little snag when the universe sort
of collapse on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic!
"
Homer: [disembodied] "Craaaaaaaaaaap! "
Homer: "My Hair! You chopped off my hair! Oh god I'm ugly! "
Homer: "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 50.
"
Marge: "Is it 37? "
Homer: "Doh!... I mean nooo... "
Homer: "There he is, Michalangelo's... Dave."
Bart: "Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill? "
TV: "It's 11 o'clock. Do you know where your kids are?
"
Homer: "I told you last night, NO! Hey where is Bart? His
food is getting all cold...and eaten."
Ralph (at an audition): "What's for lunch
tomorrow? "
Director: "Next. "
Ralph: "Chicken necks? "
Martin: "Uh, sir, why don't you just use real cows?
"
Prop Guy: "Cows don't look like cows on film. You gotta
use horses. "
Ralph: "What do you do if you want something that looks
like a horse? "
Prop Guy: "Ehh, usually we just tape a bunch of cats
together. "
Ralph (declare): "When I grow up, I'm going to go to Bovine University!"
Ralph: "Umm, Miss Hoover? "
Hoover: "Yes Ralph, what is it? "
Ralph: "My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it...can I
have another one? "
Hoover: "No Ralph, there aren't any more...[shaking her
head] just try to sleep while the other children are learning. "
Ralph: "Oh boy...sleep! That's where I'm a viking!"
Ralph: "Me fail English? That's unpossible. "
Homer: "Now we just sit by the mailbox and watch the
money roll in. "
Marge: "But you're going to annoy thousands of people just
to make a few measly dollars. It's nothing but panhandling. "
Homer (correcting): TELE-panhandling.
Lisa: "Mom, Bart's making faces at me."
Bart: "It's a nervous twitch, and I'm a little sensitive
about it, if you don't mind. "
| Hynpotist: "You are all
very good players... " Team (entranced, in unison): "We are all very good players... " Hypnotist: "You will beat Shelbyville... " Team: "We will beat Shelbyville... " Hypnotist: "You will give one hundred and ten percent..." Team (still in hypnotic trance): "That's impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give." |
 |
Darryl: "Yes? "
Homer: "You play right field."
Darryl: "Yes? "
Homer: "I play right field too. "
Darryl: "So? "
Homer: "Well, are you better than me?"
Darryl: "Well, I've never met you... but... Yes."
Umpire: "Okay, let's go over the ground rules.
You can't leave first until you chug a beer.
Any man scoring has to chug a beer.
You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings.
Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning. "
Chief Wiggum: "Hey, we know how to play
softball!"
Homer (fed up): "That's it! You people have stood in my
way long enough. I'm going to clown college! "
Homer walks out on family at dinner table
Bart (surprised): "I don't think any of us expected him to
say that. "
Marge: "Ooh, what's wrong with this phone? it's making
crazy noises. "
Nerd 2: "Those 'crazy noises' are computer signals.
"
Nerd 3: "Yeah. Some guys at MIT are sending us reasons
why Captain Picard is better than Captain Kirk."
Nerd 1: "Hah! They're outta their minds. "
Homer (suspicious): "Hey, that's not the wallet inspector!"
Lisa: "Dad, nerds are nothing to fear. In fact, they've
done some pretty memorable things. Some nerds of note include...popcorn
magnate Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne, and supreme court
justice
David Souter. "
Homer (heartbreak): "Oh, not Souter! Oh, no! "
Marge: "Maybe it's the champale talking, but I think
you're pretty sexy. "
Homer: "Really? It must be the champale
talking."
Homer: "Yeah, sure, for you a baby's all fun and games.
For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings. "
Lisa: "Doesn't Mom do that stuff? "
Homer: "Yeah, but I have to hear about it. "
Marge: "Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister!"
Marge: "Bart, how many hours a day do you watch TV?
"
Bart: "Six. Seven if there's something good on. "
Homer (writing to his boss): 'You stink! You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy with bony girl arms and you smell like an elephant's butt!'
Deprogrammer: "Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has
clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns. "
Marge: "Are you sure you can get him back for us? "
Deprogrammer: "Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully
deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know."
Marge: "What about Peter Fonda? "
Deprogrammer: "Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I did
get Paul McCartney out of Wings. "
Homer: "You idiot! He was the most talented one! "
Bart: "What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat? "
Sherry: "The Spirit of St. Louis. "
Bart (taking notes): "And where'd they land? "
Terry: "Sunny Acapulco. "
Bart: "And why'd they leave England?"
Sherry: "Giant rats. "
Bart (excited): "Cool! History's coming alive! "
Homer: "Bart! Get out of the Spirit of St. Louis! "
Bart:"Ohhhhh my ovaries. "
Homer: "I work like a Japanese beaver. "
Homer: "Marge I'm bored. "
Marge: "Why don't you read a book? "
Homer: "Because I'm trying to reduce my boredom.
"
Willie: "You've got the Shinning boy! "
Bart: "Don't you mean the Shining?"
Willie: "Shhh, do you want to get sued!"
Homer: "DO...... the stuff... that buys me
beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... a long way to get beer...
SO...... I'll have another beer...
LA...... I'll have another beer...
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to... "
(Looks into an empty glass)
"D'OH!"
Homer: "You want a doughnut? "
Lisa: "Do you have any fruit? "
Homer: "This one has purple stuff inside...purple is a
fruit. "
Otto: "Hey landlord dude, some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door and put up an eviction notice. "
Marge: "Homer! When I asked you if the dummy was to fake your own death, you told me no! "
Homer: "Lenny and Carl are never around on Wednesday,
and they never tell me where they are going. It's like a conspiracy or
something. "
Bart: "A conspiracy, eh? Do you think they were involved
in the Kennedy assassination in some way?"
Homer: "I doooo...nooooow. "
Speaker: "Be like the boy. "
Crowd: "Be like boy, be like boy! "
Speaker: "Just the ladies "
Ladies: "Be like boy, be like boy! "
Speaker: "Now, just the seniors in the back".
Seniors Citizens: "We like Roy, we like Roy! "
Chief Wiggum: "Dispatch, this is Chief Wiggum, back in
pursuit of the rebelling women."
Dispatcher: "Alright, your car location? "
Chief Wiggum (confused): "Uuoohhh uh, I'm uh, I'm on a
road, uh, looks to be asphalt...umm, aww geez...trees, shrubs...uh, I'm
directly under the Earth's sun... (pause) NOW!. "
Lionel Hutz: "Uh oh, we drew Judge Schneider. "
Marge:" Is that bad? "
Lionel Hutz: "Well, he's had it in for me ever since I
kinda ran over his dog. "
Marge: "Really?! "
Lionel Hutz: "Well, replace the word kinda with the word
repeatedly and the word dog with son. "
Bart: "You're going down, Homer. "
Homer: "You talk bigger than fool. "
Bart:" I'm gonna fool you up real nice. "
Homer: "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest
day of your life if you had a electrified fooling machine. "
Homer: "The only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes...wait a minute...Statue of Liberty...THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! "
Mr. Burns: "Well Smithers, another Friday night is upon us, What will you be doing? Something gay no doubt? "
Homer: "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, it's that girlsshould stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such. "
Homer (panic):" Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! Ow. Oww! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow! "
Homer: "Look at these low, low prices on famous
brand-name electronics! "
Bart: "Don't be a sap dad. These are just crappy
knockoffs."
Homer:" I know a genuine 'Panaphonics' when I see one.
And look! There's 'Magnet Box' and 'Sorny!' "
Grandpa Simpson (typing): "Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot. "
Homer: "After work I have to open a Jiffy Lube and then
host the Cable Ace Awards."
Lenny: "Wow...Jiffy Lube."
Homer: "You know that little ball you put on the arial so you can find your car in the parking lot? That should be on every car!"
Grandpa Simpson : "I always get the blame around here! Who threw a cane at the TV? Who fell into the china hutch? Who got their dentures stuck on the toilet? "
Homer: "But Marge, this is our big chance to show up
the Flanderseses"
Marge: "I'm sure it is, but why would we want to do
that?"
Homer: "Because sometimes the only way you can feel good
about yourself is by making someone else look bad! And I'm tired of
making other people feel good about themselves"
| Mr. Burns: Who is this Homer
Simpson? Smithers: Actually, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, and his wife painted you in the nude. Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell. |
 |
Lisa: "I'm studying for the math fair, if I win I'll
bring home a brand new protractor!"
Homer: "Too bad we don't live on a farm."
Homer: "Marge, can you set the oven to cold?"
Broker: "Homer, I told you a hundred times, you gotta
sell your pumpkin futures before halloween, Before!"
Homer: "Ok, Ok let's not panic, I'll make the money back
by selling one of my livers, I can get by with one."
Homer: "Marge, we had a deal, your sisters don't come here after six and I stop eating your lipstick."
Operator: "The fingers you have used to dial, are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm, now. "
Homer: "We always have one good kid, and one lousy kid.
Why can't both our kids be good?"
Marge: "We have three kids Homer."
Homer: "Marge...The dog dosen't count as a
kid."
Homer: "In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"
Smithers: "I think women and seamen don't mix."
Burns: "We know what you think!"
Ralph: "Um, Miss Hoover, there's a dog in the
vent."
Ms Hoover: "Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss
was outside?"
Ralph: "He was going to the bathroom."
Homer (impersonating his boss): "Hello, my name is Mr.
Burns, I believe you have a letter for me."
Post office worker: "Ok Mr. Burns, what's your first
name?"
Homer: "I don't know..."
Principal Skinner: "...You wouldn't be getting a
French boy...you'd be getting an Albanian."
Homer: "You mean all white with pink eyes?"
Homer: "God bless those pagans. "
Troy McClure: "Hi, I'm actor Troy McClure. You may remember me from such driver's ed films as 'Alice's Adventures Through the Windshield Glass' and 'The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot.'
Troy McClure: "Oh hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as 'Smoke Yourself Thin' and "'Get Confident, Stupid.'"
Bart: "Grandpa, Matlock's not real. "
Grandpa Simpson:"Neither are my teeth, but I can still
eat corn on the cob if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine
paste. Now that's good eatin'!!! "
Lawyer: "What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't
it say, 'Die Bart, Die?' "
Sideshow Bob: "No, that's German for, 'The Bart,
The.'"
Parole Board Member: "No one who speaks German could be an
evil man. "
Homer: "What's the quickest, easiest, cheapest way to
do something
with you? "
Lisa: "Uhh, take us to the video store? "
Homer:" Anything for my little girl. "
Bart: "Once you hit the big one-o, it's all downhill from there. You're legs start to go...candy doesn't taste as good anymore. "
Lisa: "Beware the Ides of March."
Homer: "No."
Michael Jackson: "Bart, your father needs you. You
don't want
him to get a labotomy do you? "
Bart: (pause) "Well, there's probably a downside I
don't see. "
Homer (drooling): "Mmmmmm, crumbled up cookie things..."
Homer: "If you really want something in this life, you
have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery
numbers. "
Radio: "17"
Homer: "DOH!!"
Radio: "32"
Homer: "DOH!!"
Radio: "5"
Homer: "DOH!!"
Radio: "8"
Homer: "WOOHOO!!!"
Radio: "47"
Homer: "DOH!!"
Bart: "Don't we get to roast marshmallows? "
Kearney: "Shut up and eat your pinecone! "
Jimbo: "This is Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of 10 orphans can't tell the difference. "
Lisa: "I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart "
Bart: "We're all gonna die, Lis'. "
Lisa: "I meant soon. "
Bart: "So did I. "
Marge: "And don't take candy from strangers. "
Homer (pleading): "Marge, they're only human. "
Homer: "So I said, 'Look buddy, your car was upside down when we got here, and as for your grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that.'"
Homer: "People can come up with statistics to prove anything, 14% of all people know that. "
Homer : (excited) Hey, there's a New Mexico.
Homer: "Did they teach you how to sing to trees and
build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? "
(Homer's chair breaks)
Homer: "D'oh! Stupid poetic justice! "
| Homer: "Ohhhhh, 20
dollars! I wanted a peanut!" Homer's Brain: "20 dollars can buy many peanuts." Homer: "Explain how!" Homer's Brain: "Money can be exchanged for goods and services." Homer: "Woohoo!" Homer: "Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals...except the weasel." |
 |